Thursday 13 December 2012

We'll take it!

I could be wrong, but I think there's some irony there.

Myths about life as a returning expat:

No.1 You might not like being back but you will be ecstatic about being able to do everything in your own language.

Living abroad is excellent fun, until you have to deal with a problem in a language that is quite foreign to you. My first experience of this if we don't count having to ask in Kaisers if the mince contained any horsemeat, came as a dreaded phone call to Kabel Deutschland as our pin code wasn't working. Talk about a cold sweat. It still gives me nightmares.

Eventually after overcoming numerous problems in a combination of poor German and excellent mime, you can't help but think back to life in your home country and think "there would be no problem big or small that I couldn't solve! Phone calls would be a breeze! Returning faulty goods would be something I would actually do! Oh the exotic plethora of words I would spill onto council officials and call centre operators!".

And to a degree this is true. You have a problem; you know all the words you need to describe said problem; you understand the response, and bingo! Problem *should* in theory be solved.

But somewhere along the line I wonder if I thought the problems wouldn't be as frequent or as frustrating in my own land. And now, on our return I find they are. The house we have moved into is awash with problems. As I have already listed them in a 32 page inventory that took me hours to complete, I won't go into detail again here. But suffice to say, it does not feel like it has been easier. From front door keys that won't lock the door from the inside because they are either snapped or bent, to french windows that leak so badly that when it rains the carpet soaks right up to the bed which is a metre away from said windows. *sigh*. Oh and everywhere was filthy. So dirty in fact that we couldn't have the boxes unpacked. *double sigh*

I couldn't bath the kids for most of the week because the bath couldn't hold water as the plug had no seal and there was a big crack in the bath which we weren't sure was leaking or not. Nor could we stick them in the shower as it was veering from freezing to boiling and back and forward between the two. The boiler needless to say is so old that it makes it quite difficult to listen to each others moans as it sounds as if someone is repeatedly starting up an old tractor in the utility room.

But don't worry. The landlord says we are "difficult tenants". So that's that sorted then. Problem solved. Except that it's not and he isn't very keen to do anything and when I raced down to the letting agent the first morning after we moved in to ask if there was a 'cooling off' period or a way out of this contract I was told that no we are stuck here for a minimum of 6 months because we signed the contract. You don't even want to know how much rent we are paying for this place. And I can't tell you because I might start wailing and not be able to stop. Ok, let's move on.

No.2 You might not like being back but you will be ecstatic about being able to do everything in your own language.

What? Yes, it's the same as number 1, but shoosh! wheesht! I'm thoroughly fed up and I don't care. Do you remember I lost my phone on the u-bahn a few weeks before we moved? Probably not, but anyway I decided to wait until I was back in the UK to get a new one.

So then I started looking at which phone I liked the look of. Wrong, wrong, wrong, said Stevie. You need to work out what functionality you want and then decide how often you would be on the internet etc. Having never had the internet on my phone before it was nigh on impossible to guess how often I would use it in reality. But he had me doing spreadsheets comparing deals with data, text, and calls and phone cost across a selection of the major mobile phone providers. Then, he had me researching the deals offered by the companies that offer mobile phone contracts bundled with home phone and broadband and tv. I hadn't even chosen a phone at this point because beyond knowing I wanted one that looked nice, had the internet, possibly had sat nav and a half decent camera, I didn't know what else to really look for. So I narrowed it down to approximately 3 phones, but multiply that with innumerable phone contracts and you have at least a few evenings of thoroughly boring work. And that's not even factoring in the fact that I don't know what I am doing in Excel.

By the time I had finished I was pretty sure I could live without a phone if it mean avoiding having to do this kind of thing, and Stevie's popularity rating was reaching an all time low. But I did end up with a phone which was nice, though the relief from being done with the dreaded spreadsheet was only temporary as Stevie announced that we were going to get a Parkers Guide, fire up Excel again and let it tell us which car we should buy. Can I just say, many, many days later, we still are no closer to knowing what we are going to buy.

Now let me tell you what would have happened with the mobile phone in Germany. As indeed when we arrived in Berlin I needed to get a new mobile phone. All I knew at that point was that I wasn't going to get a contract as we weren't sure how difficult it would be to get out of it should we decide to leave before 2 years. So we went to Saturn, the only place we had seen that we knew would have them. We wandered around and had a quick look at them and then I said "That one looks ok, doesn't it?" and Stevie said "yes" and we bought it. None of the faffing about that you see above. Why? Because we didn't have the knowledge to know where to find deals and bundles, and we didn't have the language skills to ask about them. And that was the way we bought a lot of stuff in Berlin. If someone told us you could get tv through Kabel Deutschland then we went to Kabel Deutschland. When we needed a new washing machine we pretty much bought the one that we saw first and looked a decent enough price. And maybe it cost us a few more Euros but it was easier and didn't involve Ex-bloody-cel and dark thoughts of boyfriend hatred.

11 comments:

  1. Whereas, for me, it's the packing up, while my husband looks through tiddly bits of paper (all of which I have to identify) while I am packing boxes and boxes of books (and pg w/twins) that is making me think very dark thoughts.

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    1. Ha, ha! Yes, I don't blame you. Best of luck with that xx

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  2. and all in the build up to Christmas. How lovely! Ugh. I hope that landlord gets his arm twisted enough to come to his senses!

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    1. The latest is that he has said he doesn't want difficult tenants and if the letting agency is happy to release us from the contract then he would be happy to see the back of us. Guess we're moving again...

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    2. So you'll move again before going back to your place in Feb? Surely every tenant will be 'difficult' that goes in to a place that's as dirty and messed up as that?! Or have we changed expectations after being in Berlin too long?! I don't think so but perhaps.

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    3. I think there are people who just don't complain and those are the tenants that these people are looking for. They just want to take someone's money and no do very much to get it.

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  3. I really think that German standards are way higher than in the UK in terms of the state of rental properties. Possibly because the tenants have to ensure that the place is spic and span prior to moving out!

    So sorry that stuff is a bit shit there. At least O likes her school!!! x

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    1. I think you are right because there seems less of an element of 'wear and tear' in Germany though you are allowed a small element of it. But, from our experience, what our relocation agent advised us, they would ask for some of our wear and tear (such as marks on the wall) to require the wall to be re-painted. Not necessarily the whole room, just individual walls. In the UK you are expected to have cleaned the place and things like marks on the wall would be acceptable under 'wear & tear'. We are in the process of giving our tenants notice and the expectation is that it should be in the same state as it was handed over to them, except where wear and tear is concerned. We expect to be re-painting and so on, but they should be sorting out things like the weeds growing up through the driveway and filling any holes etc. Not desperately different.

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  4. Yep. All the psychology on decision making shows that the more information you have, the worse you are, both with level of happiness and even fit of product, after you finally buy.

    Moving's always a hassle and a half. I wish you luck.

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  5. Oh dear. We might have (another) big move this year and I was already in two minds about it all...but now I am positively dreading it. You have all my sympathy...

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    1. Really, I promise, it's not too bad. My advice would be 'DON'T DREAD IT NOW: you might peak early and there's so much more to dread once you've actually moved', ha, ha! No, seriously, we have just done our second move and are planning to move again at least once this year. Stevie says we should just do it, get it done, and then we can get on with our lives. To my ears it sounds very much like "Let's just write off 2013 and admit it's going to be utter crap". I wish you luck. Just remember, in the end it will all be fine!

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