Monday, 4 July 2011

Oh Fiona, is there nothing you can't do?

I blame Germany. Or Stevie. Or them both really. See normally I could do this. I am sure I could. But the evidence just isn't there, is it? You're not going to be putting in any orders for birthday cakes from me anytime soon. Frau Dietz sent me that link after my rainbow post which included the rather fabulous rainbow jelly on my other blog. But at least you can compare the two and have a good laugh. I certainly did. But it may have been slightly hysterical seeing as it was nearing midnight and I could see no end in sight that didn't include us all getting poisoned somehow by the amount of food colouring I was going to force us all to eat.

It was Hamish's birthday on Saturday and I really, really, wanted to make him that rainbow cake. Even though he wanted me to make him a Bob the Builder cake. I thought I knew better and he would be wowed by it's sheer utter amazing-ness. I also couldn't be bothered ordering coloured icing off the internet.I was just being lazy. So lazy in fact that I didn't actually read the recipe until the day I planned on making it, and then realised I needed gel food dyes. It's hard enough to get the ones I got, so I knew I had no chance of finding gel ones at my local supermarket. And that is why I blame Germany. I just can't get the things I need at short notice. (Ok, so I am also aware that my local Tesco doesn't carry gel food dyes, but they would at least get me out of this mess by selling me a Bob the Builder cake at 1am).

I had been so tired. Hamish was ill and just wanted to cling to me all the time, and Stevie wasn't being much help by being typically Stevie-ish and leaving everything to me, while he sauntered out to watch the tennis. And that is why I blame him. And Andy Murray. Because at least if all I had was a really dire looking blue shaded sponge that looked like the mildew had got to it, then I do know I wouldn't have made icing that sloppy, had it not been nearing 1am. God, I miss Tesco at 1am. It looks like I've thrown a bucket of chip fat at it. And seriously, I think I used about 4 blocks of butter and half a bag of sugar along with the 9 egg whites it required. (Though I used 10 because I reckoned I wasn't being very careful with them and had probably thrown at least one away when I was scooping out the stray yolks that escaped).

I could tell you that in the end it tasted delicious. That the appearance made no difference to my lovely big 3 year old boy (who says that he's actually just turned 7 if you care to ask). But by god. One bite could kill a diabetic it's so sweet and if it wasn't so funny, I could have been terribly hurt by the chanting of "But I don't want that cake! I want a Bob cake!!. That looks yucky!". So, while our insides rot from all the E numbers, and our tongues remain blue for at least another month, I will not be beaten! Just wait! One day I will master this. Or maybe I'll just move back to the UK and get him a Bob cake and enjoy my sleep.


  1. Ach Manno is right! WOW, this is beyond awesome! Happy birthday to the 4-7 year old Hamish.

    Terrific post Fiona, bravo for turning a flop into fun. YUMMM

  2. Ha! Does 'beyond awesome' mean all the way to completely awful?? I love the phrase 'Ach Manno!'. I had thought of 'Schade...' but I'm saving that for another cake disaster!!

  3. OMG I was all ready to tell you it wasn't all that bad, really... but I can't. I do love the way real life disasters these days are just blog gold. You win anyway!

  4. I'm so exhausted that as I read this, I passed "chuckle" and went directly to "tears rolling down face". I'm so sorry. Thank you for sharing it. And I have no idea how I have escaped blame when everyone else got it and I am clearly the root of the problem, but thanks for that, too. I am now going to make you feel better by sending you a picture my sister just made for my niece's birthday.

  5. I haven't been able to see the photos on the email, but I'm guessing they're good. Ask your sister is she would like to start a cake-making company with me called 'It's the thought that counts'.

    And you escape blame because you just put me in touch with a beautiful idea. Maybe after my 5th attempt I'll be blaming you, but not yet.

  6. Hahahaha cake company idea brilliant

    phew *wipes brow*

  7. lol, I have been waiting for an excuse to try out that rainbow cake since last year, I am pretty sure my effort would turn out similarly. It is such a wow-inducing work of beauty that it deserves another go or five just to get it right!

  8. And the comment verifier thingy just asked me to type "bilesent" which I thought was appropriate when thinking about it killing a diabetic =P

  9. Ooh, I'm going to bagsy that for my cake company! 'Bilesent - delivering stomach-churning cakes straight from the heart'. (or gall bladder, I just can't think of a way to merge that neatly into the mission statement).

    Please make a rainbow cake! I need to see that it can actually be made!!


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