Thursday, 25 August 2011

Should I stay or should I go?

I'm feeling a bit uneasy. I'm having to think about the future and important things like what I really want to do, and even more importantly, where I want to be. And I haven't really got a clue.

The trouble you see is that Stevie got offered another job at Rolls-Royce. Which is all well and good, and clever old him, but it was a permanent job. And I have a feeling I might be a bit of a commitment-phobe when it comes to location. Because going permanent would mean staying, and I can't get it out of my head that that means forever, and then I feel a bit funny inside and start thinking about eating that Russian chocolate that I am meant to be sending to my niece.

Of course it doesn't necessarily mean forever, there is always the option of Stevie chucking his job and us moving back to the UK, but at the moment I have a rather lovely option where we have been told we'll be here until June next year and if I wanted to come back sooner all we'd need to do is say, and then me, the kids, Stevie, our belongings would all be back in our old house, living our old life as quick as a flash (well, as long as it's a flash that lasts 12 weeks). And that is an awful comfort to me.

It's not just Berlin that has me location-commitment-phobic: I was also this way in Derby. I always thought it would be temporary and it never really felt like 'home', and then one year would merge into the next and all of a sudden I've lived in 4 houses there, and accumulated 2 children, and a bunch of root-making friends. But when I think of Derby, I still don't see myself as living there for any length of time. And do I really want to go back to my old life?

So what to do? Well, this time I've been let off the hook. Stevie turned it down (because of me being happier on secondment), but sooner or later I will need to decide whether I want to keep living in Berlin for a while longer, or whether I want to return to Derby. I need to write a list of pro's and con's.


  1. My advice would be not to move different places at all.
    Like you I am horrible at committing, and find I get very restless whenever I have been in the same place for more than 5 years.

    So we have moved around a lot, and lived in lots of lovely places.

    And this makes the decision bit even harder, because I love AND hate stuff about every place we have lived, so there is never a 'right' place or perfect answer.

    It just gets confusing and complicated.

    Now go and eat that chocolate, and send your niece an iTunes gift card instead.

  2. Ah, and that's another thing. About a month ago we had a chat about how nice it might be to go somewhere completely different at the end of the secondment instead of going back 'home'. Maybe America (there's a place near Martha's Vineyard apparently which got me all excited, or maybe Australia, and wouldn't that be an exciting adventure for a couple of years?

    But on the other hand, I really need to settle 'somewhere' while the kids go through school. Don't I???????

  3. Hard decisions! I feel the turmoil. x

  4. Moving is tough, even when it is somewhere you want to go! I agree with Fiona--eat the chocolate!!!

  5. Ah, the chocolate got sent. And I am no closer to knowing what I want.

  6. I totally understand how you feel. I am extremely happy with our current plan of knowing we'll be here till the end of B's contract in about 3.5 years time but with a year abroad at some point in between to keep us on our toes. I can't possibly commit to anything more than that, and any time B mentions settling somewhere at some point in the future I completely freak out. I am convinced I can only live anywhere for around 3 years at a time. The only thing I do know, is I don't want to go back to my old life at all.

    Probably best not to think about any of it. Might go mental.


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