But most of all, I don't want this...

I just read on a blog about a gift giving service called GiveEmThis.com which uses your Facebook eh...'stuff ' to select presents for your friends and family... or yourself.

Sounds like my idea of fun! So I went on the site and allowed it access to all my details and ran myself through their ginormous computing might to see what the perfect gifts for me would be. After all, we need to test it's accuracy, right?

I have the feeling that status updates and comments on other people's statuses are not probably that indicative of the kind of gifts that you like. Unless of course each day your staus is something like "Today I would like a Kitchenaid mixer in ice blue".

Alas, I seem to talk about messenger pigeons quite a bit. I don't know why either, but there you go, I'm complex like that. But let me tell you what GiveEmThis.com came up with for me. Before you go getting your credit card out and asking for my delivery address, here's what I don't want.

Dear Santa,
I really would be quite saddened if you were to 'make' me:

This book: 'Pigeons: The Fascinating Saga of the World's Most Revered and Reviled Bird' (I'm swithering on this, it could be a good read couldn't it? Actually having just looked at it on Amazon, it get's fantastic reviews - I shall post an excerpt of one review below)
Mermaid Songs (I have never heard mermaid songs, but I am 100% sure they would make my ears bleed)
Kushion Kraft Void Filling Paper (though it would be handy for packing the boxes I have to ship back after Christmas, but hey let's save that special one for Stevie to get me)
A Somalian 10 shillings rope edged coin on an 18" chain (honestly save the US delivery charges - they have this kind of crap in the Argos catalogue, and I would have a better chance of returning it)
4, yes 4, commercial sausage stuffers (Honestly how much sausage chat do I do???)
Palm Tree Crystal Necklace in Monkey with Banana Gift Box (I know it has crystals on it, but that's still not selling it to me)
A Huntingdon Snubber Hard - I don't know what that even is, but if you want to send me the $92 I will definitely, probably not, order this for myself. Sadly the link to buy it doesn't work.

But most of all, what could possibly make you think that I would ever want
a Solid Brass Rodent Jaw?

I wouldn't say no to the 48 Cadbury's Creme Eggs though. That would make up for having to send back all that other guff.

Need I say, this is not a sponsored post?

Excerpt from one Amazon review on the Pigeon book:
"Though I must also confess that the revolting chapter related to the gutting and lung-ing of squabs elicited a whole series of voluminous UGHS! and BLECHS! The mental picture you provided was gruesome enough to force me to consider going totally vegan.

The man who wrote his doctoral thesis on spider hearing was intriguing, can you write his biography too? 

And you also left me wanting to know more about the man who wrapped himself in tinfoil to keep himself warm. Sally Bananas was fascinating and I was riveted by the chapter devoted to Mike Tyson. Despite never meeting him you captured something NO ONE has ever done before... You showed his subtle and poignant humanity and made me wish the whole world could know him THAT way. "

Sounds like a fun read, huh? I might suggest it to my book group.

Waking the dead.

Because even the long dead get wound up by other people's mobile phones ringing.

Schloss Charlottenburg. Lovely, but I won't be back I suppose. 

I tend not to publicise my blog through Facebook. Mostly because I really don't want the people I don't really like reading it. And of course I am friends with them on Facebook, because sometimes you just don't have a choice in these things. I am referring of course to 'smeeviee's family'. I'm mumbling just in case they can hear me. That's one thing I hate about Facebook; I have yet to find an acceptable way to say 'I don't want to be your friend' to them. Saying, 'Um, we're not really friends in real life' doesn't really go down well, nor does 'I don't want you noseying through my business, even though I have no issue with strangers and people I haven't actually seen in 30 years doing so'. - perhaps because they're not going to take offence and go on and on about it for years afterwards.

Anyway, at the end of last week and this weekend we've had Stevie's parents staying with us. At this point I should mention that in actual fact I am far more tolerant of his parents than he himself is. I sometimes get the impression that he could quite happily wave them back on the plane an hour and half after their arrival. Much as I'd love to outline where my tolerance breaks down, I will resist, because you just never know who's reading. And it's not that I have written down all the hundreds of little funny anecdotes I have, more because they are super defensive and wouldn't appreciate the little tales I tell about their son.

Long may they never Google my name. That's all I can say.

But, I'm losing my thread. What I was going on to say was that upon arrival this time I was met by a complaint: that I hadn't updated my FB status to say how excited I was at their impending arrival, when I had done on numerous occasions before when my friends had visited. I think it was meant as a joke with a little bit of seriousness wedged in at the back, but they didn't seem too happy when I joked right on back that I forgot, but I'd be sure to put on FB just how excited I'd be when they left. Maybe it was that big chunk of underlying truth that rendered it unfunny to them, I don't know, but hey, I was laughing.

But in actual fact, we've had a pleasant few days. It can be quite difficult to entertain visitors who don't really want to see the place, and would be happy enough to just sit in the apartment for the duration. But I took them to Schloss Charlottenburg on Friday and managed to provide them with some impromptu entertainment by getting myself thrown out (and very likely banned) from a mausoleum. It wasn't fun. After listening to a lengthy list of 'Do's and Don't's' from the attendant outside it was a bit embarrassing to see the same attendant racing into the mausoleum at warp-speed to drag me out no more than a minute later. But on the positive side at least I found out that my phones 'silent' mode doesn't work. Silver lining's and all that I suppose. And it put a smile on my visitors faces for the rest of the afternoon seeing me hauled out and publicly shamed. And that set us up for the rest of the weekend which was pleasant and a lot less eventful.

The very last day of Kita...

...is here at last.

Orla was over the moon. She's been waiting for this day to come for so long and now she's ready to start school. I SO hope 'big girl's school' is not a massive disappointment. But before she starts we've got our holiday to get through - it's looking a bit rainy down at the Bodensee; I've got to try my hardest not to get murdered by someone I've met on the internet (should you not hear from me for months, please send the police here and tell my mum she was right about the sorts of folk you meet on the internet).

We're taking the laptop with us, but I am going to try and not use the internet (oh, who am I kidding? Rainy evenings?).

In other news, I joined Google+ today. But so far I only have 1 friend. I like the idea of being able to divide people up into groups and only show certain groups certain things. I know you technically can do things like that on FB, but it's a bit of a faff. That's one reason why I don't post my blog through FB. Mostly I find strangers less critical about all the things I say about Stevie compared to his family :)

work like you don't need the money

Would you like to have a look at my etchings? http://fionagraypaints.com

I've been ultra-busy this morning. No, not hanging out that washing that's been in the machine for days, and no, not picking up the 60,000 little teeny toys (when did we suddenly move into the realm of toys that can only be found by a magnifying glass or a bare foot in the dark?) Nope. I have finally stopped pretending I am still on maternity leave and have started getting my act together in regards to my future career and have been making steps towards promoting myself and the things that I do.

You may have seen some of my paintings on this blog, but why not go on over to my sparkly new blog fiona gray . paints if you want to have a little look at some more. I've been putting fiona gray . paints together over the past few weeks, and today I made my very own Facebook page. I'm in a bad mood though, because I went and lost the ability to promote the page to my Facebook friends, so I would love you all to just shift your cursor over to the left there and click on my 'like' button. It would be nice to have your support, and anyway, if you like me on here, you'll LOVE me on Facebook. But you don't need to declare your love just yet. How about we start off with liking and then we could maybe be friends and who knows maybe in a couple of years we could settle down, buy an apartment somewhere and get a dog.

I've done a few little commissions since having the kids, which was a real learning experience for me. I never realised just how much of my time is taken up by the kids. So they have given me a good insight into my eh, limitations, in regards time. (Why is it whenever I want to paint in the evening they won't go to bed?)

The next steps for me are getting an etsy shop set up and getting some prints done and maybe some cards, and hopefully doing a few more paintings to sell. Wish me luck!

Close your eyes, big sister!

Grateful for 'depth of field' - it hides most of the bad bits!

A little close-up of areas to be re-painted

I have more or less finished another painting. More or less because I can't finish off the flowers. The original flowers died and I haven't replaced them yet. I assumed I would paint them before they died, but what with kids not sleeping in the evening and what not, I ended up painting them when they were busy composting themselves downstairs.

Nor did I even have them in this jug, so really the whole thing is a fabrication. I intend re-painting the flowers though, the jug I can live with. This was meant to be a complementary painting for the bowl and cup painting I did, but with time not on my side of late, and painting by light bulb and not natural light they've both turned out slightly different colour-wise. Ah well.

Everything that doesn't turn out as well as I like I tend to give to either my mum or my sister, so this may well be where they are headed. Close your eyes big sister, this might be your birthday present! I am trying to get enough paintings done to open a little Etsy shop. It'll be a mix of baby name pictures and well just regular paintings. I want to really do things that I want to do, as opposed to following a brief.

At the moment I am trying to come up with a name for the shop - that seems to be the hardest part. There is already a Fiona Gray who does lots of creative things, so I can't really use my own name, and anyway, I think I might like a different name for the shop. Once I have a short list I might have my Facebook friends have a vote. Better get thinking!

I'm busy doing nothing.

I think I saw this on FB somewhere and liked it (no, not 'liked' it, just liked it in a normal way)but I forgot to save the source details, so apologies for not linking back to the life coach who created this.

I am an expert when it comes to frittering away time. I just need to sit down with access to the internet and all of a sudden two hours mysteriously pass. Which surprises me really, because I don't look at that many websites, not really, well, maybe just a few, enough I suppose that if you asked me where you could get a really pretty digital radio from online, or which website would give you the best price for a chrome Magimix food processor, I would have no hesitation in telling you. Incidentally, I have neither of these things, which is probably why I have these things stashed in my head taking up space where some German verbs should be conjugating.

Stevie has gone back to Derby for work, and I, secretly, having a little holiday. Just from German class. I think it has done me the world of good. I've had two lovely mornings of frittering away time. Yesterday I used the time well I think and took the long trek along to the doctors to get my repeat prescription. I altered the amounts so that I don't need to go back for insulin as often and the receptionist didn't bat an eyelid. I'd expected to have to have a discussion about this, so perhaps there are benefits to the German medical system after all.

Anyway, I also stopped along the way on the way back and did some food shopping, went to the post office and took some photos of some of the 60's and 70's style U-Bahn stations along the way.

Then I came home and did a little light blog reading and pottering around the house. Lovely! Today was much the same but with some tidying up thrown in. I've really enjoyed having a break from class. Stevie's back tonight so I'll be back at school tomorrow. Bah humbug!

But it's been nice while it's lasted.

Number-crunching with 'boys in tights' at the 'Commerzbank' 'is giving me gip'

'Like' at your own risk, elf perverts!

Howdy dear readers, I wonder how you found me today? I've been meaning to write about 'stats' for a while but, well, you know, I'm always busy with something else. Don't worry though, I am starting to get on top of my mountain of tasks - why even as I write this I am on hold to the Tax Office. Actually, that's not true, I tried to write while I was on hold to them but their hold music/messages are so fluffy and hard to hear that I couldn't concentrate because I was never sure if I was still on hold or if it was an actual person. I did eventually get through to someone who told me to phone back in February or March, so I have effectively ticked that one off my list of things that really need doing (right now). So that's at least one thing slightly sorted, the rest can probably wait until after I get out of jail for failing to sort out my double taxation issues in January.

But where was I? Yup, stats. I'll try not to bore you, I won't actually give you any numbers or anything, I'm not that way inclined, but I thought I would tell you some interesting stuff from 'behind the scenes' of the blog. At least I find it interesting, who knows, maybe you'd like to hear more about the UK Tax System.

I've been inspired to write about this by Mwa who always has people landing on her blog via the most interesting search terms. I won't re-type them here, you can click the link in a minute and see for yourself. I said "in a minute"!! I am always surprised by the things that people type into Google. An awful lot of people find my blog via Google by searching for 'boys in tights'. Barely a day goes by when there's not someone looking for boys in tights. Or 'facebook boys in tights'. I wonder what it really is that they are looking for. I'm pretty sure it's not me, otherwise I would be gathering up followers like nothing on earth.

Incidentally if you search for 'boys in tights' in Facebook you find the list of pages above. Does anyone want to 'like' the North Pole Sexy Elf Boys for me? I also have a fair amount of people searching for more random things on a weekly basis. This week so far my favourites are "My piles are giving me gip" - and I hope they found comfort and a little relief here, and "The noise in my heating system is driving me crazy". Why would you even type all that into Google? Isn't it more logical to search for something like 'NHS Direct+piles' for the first one and perhaps 'heating system+noise' for the second?

Other peoples searches just have me wondering though. Someone in India (who do I know in India??) searched for 'fiona gray orla hamish'. That's a bit precise isn't it? I really don't think I know anyone in India, unless that's where the UK Tax Centre calls are directed to.

Someone else recently blogged about 'the lurkers'. The people who read your blog faithfully, yet never comment. People from strange far away lands. Well, not that strange really, America mostly. So I'd like to take the opportunity to say "hello & thankyou" to the people who check my blog every single day from various places around the world to see if I have written anything new. You're awfully shy though, aren't you? Why not leave a comment the next time you read (eh, this), or maybe something else so everybody isn't staring. It would be really nice. I'd love to know who you are.

My readers mostly come from America. The UK follows as a close second. Then Germany, then Russia, & then the Netherlands. Recently I've seen an upsurge in my popularity in China and France (Nia hao! (I only know that from Nia Hao Kai Lan) & Bonjour!). I also seem to be rocking in Belarus and Slovenia (but my language skills don't extend far enought to say hello properly).

In terms of what people like to read, well I find that a bit of an odd mixture too. My most popular post is the one about the 'old & new' Commerzbank. Like, by MILES! Why??? I wonder if it's because things go wrong in that one, but then they go much worse in the one where I get locked out the house, and then the Commerzbank waves it's magic wand and makes things a goddam nightmare.

Next up in popularity is 'Only her hairdresser knows for sure'. This is the one where you get to see some quite horrendous photos of me, and read about some expensive highlights that I thought were good at the time and then I saw the day after that they actually started half way down my hair in some places.

After that we have 'I bring my fish bowl home'. I like that one too, and I hope you are all sitting reading this with the copy of it you made from the photos displayed somewhere prominently in your house. (I wonder if I could buy a better one on etsy now?)

And then, then we get to 'boys in tights'. Considering how popular it is search term-wise, it makes things with the Commerzbank post even more unfathomable to me as people very rarely use that in their searches.

Anyway, I thought I would share that with you. I hoped you enjoyed it. While I'm off photographing boys in tights for a new post that'll have my stats going through the roof, I'd love to hear from you.

Fiona Reunited

I noticed an email from Friends Reunited today. Apparently my friends had been updating their information. I can't remember the last time I used Friends Reunited, it must be maybe 7 or 8 years ago, or maybe more. I never really got that into it to be honest. I liked the sudden rediscovery of people I had known at school and university, but I don't think I ever got in contact with anyone really. Didn't they used to charge you if you wanted to actually send an email to someone? For a while I think there was a membership fee, and for me, well, it wasn't worth the hassle or cost.

Anyway, I'm surprised it's still going. I always thought that it never really took off, certainly not like Facebook, but it was really the first sort-of social networking site that everybody kind of joined in the UK. Joined, and then didn't put any information or photos up about themselves. So the appeal of looking through lists of names wears off after a couple of minutes.

So I logged on to have a look at it. It's changed quite a bit in terms of the interface and there seems to be a lot more to it now - you can make friends, buzz people (I guess that's like poking them), and upload photos and the like. It's a lot more like Facebook now but still without any information.

But I enjoyed the list of people they had compiled that I 'might know'. That was fun. I scooted back and forward between Friends Reunited and Facebook typing in names and checking folk out. I might even have found a couple of people who I'd really like to be back in touch with. I tried my very best not to friend request everybody I recognised just so I could nosey at their photos; some people were kind enough to be a bit lax on their privacy, so that saved some bother! Anyway, I'm really glad I found it again. It'll probably be another 10 years before I look at it again. Or maybe Facebook will be the new Friends Reunited and we'll all be doing something else.

Fed up with Facebook

It was fun for a while, Facebook, wasn't it?

I really enjoyed looking at photos of people I haven't seen since school, university, previous workplaces, and their babies, and their weddings, and holidays. Of course I have always been one to reciprocate. I have plenty of albums of photos of my kids and places I've been and all that kind of stuff.

And I really have enjoyed being back in touch with people who I never would have otherwise, and now I have lots of little friendships re-ignited and all of that is brilliant and makes me happy. And of course it's really handy with us being away for two years. People can keep up with what we're up to and how the kids are changing and growing and it's an easy way to stay in contact.

But recently I started to get sick of the whole thing. I used to post links to my blog through Facebook but then I realised that there were probably quite a few people on there that I really didn't want knowing exactly what I was doing. Not for any terrible reason, just little things like one person who had previously been a good friend who when they moved house just wouldn't even give me their new address to send a card to. Needless to say, why would I want to share what is going on in my life with them. So they were the first person I deleted. (Though actually, going by my little visitor monitor, I think they are still reading the blog, and it's about high time they stuck to their guns and got lost).

Then other friends started doing 'friend culls' of people who they either had made friends with and then had nothing to do with, or people who "bring nothing to the party". You know, the ones who don't do anything on Facebook but lurk around looking at everyone elses stuff and usually haven't even bothered to put up a profile photo. When I stopped posting links to my blog one of these people got in touch with me and asked what was going on in my life as I had been a bit quiet recently. Literally a one line email. I'm surprised they didn't just ask for the web address.

Then I discovered that I could be a bit more experimental with the privacy settings, and I started to block some people's access to certain photo albums, links, and so on. Again, someone who has never put up a single photo emailed me asking if I had had a good holiday and where were the photos from it. Not that my photos are really anything of interest to most people.

And recently it's been friend requests. It's such a sensitive subject for people. If you don't accept their friend request then people take offence. That's fine if it's someone from school or whatever that you never see anyway, but it's a bit more difficult when it's Stevie's friends who we see sometimes when we go back to Scotland. Or your mother-in-law or your mother-in-law's best friend. It's not that I don't like these people, but I certainly don't want them seeing all the little funny things I might say about life with Stevie...now do I?

So it's just becoming a lot less fun and too much like a hassle. Or maybe I'm just tired and need to stop taking it so seriously and go to bed.