Friday, 2 April 2010

I don't want a pool party for my birthday

Are we having fun yet?

I hate swimming. I have never liked it and whenever Stevie suggests it my heart sinks like a brick to the bottom of the pool. You don't even get to wear your pyjamas which would make it slightly more palatable. I had heard Stevie murmering about it this morning and tried mentioning "baby animals" to Orla to try and steer the day in a different direction. No success. So today we went swimming.

5 things I hate about the swimming baths:

1. I hate the filthy floors and the mixture of shoe dirt with pool water and general grot in the changing rooms.

2. I hate the plasters that have fallen off people that they put on the edge of the pool. I sat Hamish on the edge to splash in and inadvertantly he was right next to one and it made me want to throw up.

3. I hate the cold, cold, water - why can't it be like a really warm bath?

4. I hate getting splashed in the eyes cause I've forgotten my goggles (cause I hate water in my eyes anyway). Oh, and I'm going to sound like my mother here and I don't care, but the water is probably about 40% pee anyway.

5. I hate having to make a return visit to those filthy changing rooms. They make me want to wear verruca socks in case I catch something off the floor.

Orla and I went into the wrong pool to begin with. I thought Hamish must be having a meltdown squeezing into a super-tiny swim nappy and last summer's swimming shorts, but i hadn't figured that he and his daddy were in another pool. So me and Orla hung out with the teenagers doing handstands 3" away from us and and splashing us with pee water while we admired their belly button piercings while wondering 'who does that to 13 year olds?'. And then we spotted the baby pool through the glass!

Not quite as warm as a hydrotherapy pool (the only pool I have loved was at the hospital after I did my cruciate ligament in), but really quite nice. Well, temperature-wise anyway. I think I should switch off my brain and stop thinking about things too much and maybe I might enjoy it more. But anyway, once I sat Hamish next to the discarded plaster, my brain started thinking about how much pee would be in this Under 5's pool - I'm thinking more because there's less water and hey, babies just can't keep it in, and by the look of some of the daddies, I bet they weren't either. See, this is why I don't like it. My thoughts get carried away. Enough!

We are planning on going to the beach sometime soon. I used to live less than a mile from a beach. My views on beaches are somewhat similar to those of swimming pools, except you are fortunate not to get the luxury of the filthy changing rooms. The downside is that you are 100% more likely to find things a hundred times worse than a discarded plaster. Can't wait. Hamish is just at the right age to pick these things up and chew them.

1 comment:

  1. I have a hatred of swim nappies. I mean, they don't do anything do they? If a baby or toddler pees or poos in the pool, what on earth good is it going to be wearing that nappy? The germs are still going to dissolve out. It's just so that the parent can hide their shame.

    I agree with you. Swimming with small children is purgatory.


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